Staring down at the light wooden well varnished table, the coffee aroma finding it's way into my nasal cavity, and rain beating down on the zinc roof. I couldn't help but think of how she always makes me smile. I know I've been in love, I know I've uttered words that made no sense; yet girls felt weak at the knees.
She was different - I felt love... I didn't just think it or feel lust believing it was love. It wasn't a physical attraction - I didn't want to pull her clothes off and feel her warm breath on my skin... I just wanted to be there for her when she needed me the most. It was the real deal. I loved her, I wanted to tell her, I wanted to look after her, make her happy, make her feel a love no one could ever show her again... I just loved her with all my heart.
I fell victim to my love for her... when I wasn't with her, I couldn't stop thinking of her... when I was with her, I couldn't stop looking at her. It was unusual for me; me of all people to feel they way I did. I don't tell people I love them - I wanted to tell the whole world I loved her and only her.
Sitting here; the now empty coffee cup, sun breaking through the clouds and voices from conversations lost to my train of thought - I miss her. I feel lost most days, in fact most of my life has been like hide and seek. She always somehow found me... not someone protecting himself from the world - just me. She brought out the best in me, helped me find a person that hasn't been around for many years. I miss her.
The cold creeps through the door and I feel it battling it's way through my jacket. I hear the faint voices outside saying "goodbye"... truly ironic when I think about how the love I felt was never reciprocated. How I had to put that love in a box; it fought it's way out like a child with intense claustrophobia - followed by repercussions, pushing her further away. It felt like sinking sand... I had no control - I always had control...?
I realized I loved her so much that I needed her as a friend. I wanted her happy even if I was hurting, just play hide and seek... I was good at it after all those years.
The restaurant started welcoming people for dinner... my thoughts of her kept me locked up and unable to see time. My bill; waiting for me like a mother waiting for a child at his first party. I knew she wouldn't come but hope and optimism is something she taught me... she never taught me the disappointment you feel - if hope failed and optimism was defeated in battle.
Peanut butter Milkshake R42
Coffee R23
Total: R65
No comments:
Post a Comment